BiPOLAR EXPRESSions & Depression Confessions

There is something very empowering about being able to speak openly about my diagnosis, after so many years of being imprisoned by it.  For many years I tried to hide my disability.  I wanted nothing more but to appear “normal”, so I did everything in my power to divert attention away from my true self.  I began taking on other people’s personalities, trying to get in where I fit in, only to find that I simply did not belong.

At the tender age of thirteen I no longer felt the innocence of an adolescent child.  I felt like a full-grown woman- one with a massive burden.  I began to feel overly stressed.  I started worrying about things that no teen should ever have to worry about.   I began eating less and wanting to sleep more.  I literally wanted to sleep my life away.  With each passing day, I loved myself less and less.  I barely recognized the thirteen year old girl staring back at me when I looked in the mirror.  My self-esteem plummeted and I hated whom I was about to become.

Not fully understanding what I was feeling, I tried several times talking to my mother, my teachers, guidance counselors and family members, only to be told that what I was experiencing was either normal, not important or simply something that would pass. In my own mind I knew better and I realized that what I felt was not typical, nor was it normal by any stretch of the word.  Who knew that such a dilapidating disease would be so misunderstood and frowned upon in our society, even when the victim is an innocent child.  I recognized then that my road to recovery and normalcy would be a long one and I knew if I wanted to be a better me, I was going to have to take responsibility for my own well-being.  

At fifteen, I checked myself into the only place where I thought I could get answers and where people would “get me”.  I checked myself into a psychiatric facility.

I remember thinking quite often, that I would rather have cancer than a mental disorder (even though cancer is considered a terminal illness). People fail to realize that individuals who suffer from mental illness are dying a slow death internally- for some of us we are alive, yet unable to live.  However, because other illnesses are more tangible, loved ones tend to rally around those who suffer and are quick to offer a helping hand, a loving word or a celebration of survival.  Mental illness, on the other hand, is the cruelest diseases in our society.  There is very little conversation surrounding it, no one ever rallies around us or celebrates our survival.  We are left to fight alone, every day of our life.

Today, I am no longer a victim but a victor (or should I say a Victoria).  I myself have a better understanding of mental health and am very sensitive to those who are fighting this same fight.  I am no longer enabling this disease to control my mind nor my progress.  I am vowing to do everything in my power to simply live life and bring awareness to this crippling and stifling disease while helping my “fighters” along the way. I would like to share my story and allow others to witness my excursion.  I am hoping to be a voice for mental illness and open up dialogue about mental health and take each individual on a journey through Bi-Polar Expression & Depression Confessions.

Barjohn Lee is available for speaking engagements to share her story and experience with this subject matter. Contact us to book Barjohn here.